Kick Starts

Self Sabotage: How to Get Out of Your Own Way

• Sylvia Flanagan, LMFT, Motivational & Behavioral Coach • Episode 45

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In this episode I explore the concept of self-sabotage, the ways people undermine their success through negative behaviors, beliefs, and attitudes, and provide insights on how to recognize and combat these patterns. I discuss the distinction between active and passive forms of self-sabotage and give examples such as addiction, negative self-talk, procrastination, and the misuse of smartphones and social media. I emphasize the importance of recognizing self-defeating patterns, understanding the temporary rewards they offer, and taking proactive steps to align daily habits with one's goals and values. Listeners are encouraged to be intentional with their time, tolerate discomfort for long-term benefits, and proactively work towards reducing self-sabotaging behaviors to move towards their potential.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of Kick Starts. I'm Sylvia Flanagan, your host, and before I get started, I want to remind you of my new and free text message service where you can stay engaged with the weekly episodes. Each week I'll send subscribers two short text messages to help them stay engaged in thinking about the week's topic. Like I said, it's free, your info doesn't go anywhere and you can opt out anytime you want if you change your mind. So if you want to subscribe, just text the word JOIN to 870-263-2121. Or if you can't do it now, the info's in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

So today I'm going to talk about self-sabotage, but first a question for you to think about is the way you go through your day, your routine behaviors, your habits and rituals, the way you spend your time. Are they set up to help you reach your goals or, put a different way, do you get in your own way at times when it comes to achieving the things you want from day to day? Think about it, and I'll come back to this in a second. A lot of us think of self-sabotage as someone deliberately causing destruction in their life because they don't think they deserve something or they don't think they're worthy. And while this can definitely be true in some cases, it's not true for most people who self-sabotage? For most people, self-sabotage is a lot more subtle. For a lot of us, it's not that we're intentionally bringing about failure or thinking that we're unworthy or inviting some sort of chaos into our life, but instead we're quietly and consistently limiting our growth and potential a little at a time, and for others it might be somewhere in between those two, but they're all forms of self-sabotage, whether it's a conscious decision because someone doesn't think they deserve success or happiness at one extreme, or a more subtle, unconscious choice that limits growth and success. All of us self-sabotage, at least a little bit, and some people a lot, and I don't think most of us are really aware of it when it's more subtle and benign, and a lot of us do it even when we think we're pretty decent people deserving good things in life. So getting back to my question, do you think that the way you go through most of your days, your patterns of behavior, do you think they're lined up to help you get what you really want in life? Hopefully they are in large part, but for some of you maybe not so much. But I don't think any of us can give a categorical yes to that question, meaning we're uber-efficient, because getting off track is just part of being human. We all get in our own way at times.

Speaker 1:

I define self-sabotage as someone consciously or unconsciously undermining their goals, their success and efforts through negative behaviors, beliefs and attitudes that give a short-term reward or a temporary payoff. And if you don't think you're self-sabotage, maybe at the end of this episode you'll realize you do a little bit and then you can tighten up your game even more, and some of you may self-sabotage a lot, and I hope when you're done listening, you'll feel a lot more empowered about how to get on a different track and take things back. I view self-sabotage as having two forms an active and a passive form, and I'll talk about that in just a minute. I also consider two main areas where we can self-sabotage the personal and the relational, but I'm not going to focus on the relational in this episode, except to say that, generally speaking, relational self-sabotage is when we date or choose people to be with that aren't good for us, or when we stay in unhealthy relationships that don't meet our needs, even though there's a fixed pattern that's been set up with zero evidence that anything is going to change, or we might sabotage relationships by how we act, maybe by being passive, aggressive or by communicating critically and aggressively. Personal self-sabotage is what I really want to focus on, and that's when we get in the way of our own goals, our aspirations and our success. So there's active and passive self-sabotage.

Speaker 1:

Like I said, some examples of active self-sabotage are drinking too much alcohol, drug use, maybe even porn use, eating poorly, negative or critical self-talk, setting unrealistic standards, better known as perfectionism, over-committing or taking on too much, not setting up good sleep routines, mismanaging money or spending too much and isolating. Examples of passive self-sabotage are procrastination or indecision, avoiding challenges or responsibilities, playing the victim by blaming other people or circumstances for whatever situation we find ourselves in that we don't like, making excuses and rationalizing our lack of initiative or, when things don't go the way we wanted them to, overthinking or as it's called, analysis, paralysis, self-limiting beliefs and fear of failure. These examples aren't an exhaustive list, but I'm sure you get the general idea. Passive self-sabotage is more about what we do and think, and passive self-sabotage is more about what we avoid, whether that's behavior or responsibility, and I don't think there's any one of us who can say that we don't do some of these things some of the time. I don't know about you, but I've done a lot of them and they're hard to get away from entirely, and I think most of us aren't that aware of how we sabotage, because we get into our routines and we have ways of coping and avoiding that might not be so healthy, and we just go through our day and we're on autopilot. We might get a fair amount done, but that doesn't mean that we're not also wasting a lot of time or thought on things that work against us. We get used to losing a little every day, or we lose sight of how much we're losing. In terms of active self-sabotage, there's not too much, I need to say, because I think we're pretty aware that it's not helpful to drink too much, spend too much, do drugs, eat and sleep poorly, talk like crap to yourself and about yourself, and so forth.

Speaker 1:

What's not always so obvious to some people, though, is how over committing, not learning to say no and having poor boundaries, how that's a form of self-sabotage, and how trying to live as a perfectionist or setting the bar too high is also self-sabotage the typical narrative that plays in someone's head who over commits or doesn't say no easily or doesn't set good boundaries, the message is usually that they're nice or that they care about people. That's a good sounding story and it's probably true that they are nice, but it's not the relevant story. The relevant story and the true story is that these folks and maybe it's you is that they're taking on what isn't theirs at the expense of their own well-being, because it's difficult to say no and it's hard, and maybe they haven't figured out what's theirs and what's not theirs. They haven't learned how to sort out the guilt or the worry that comes up when it's time to say yes to themselves and set a boundary and maybe say no to somebody else. So they keep themselves on the back burner and keep telling themselves a story about how they're a nice person and how they don't want to let people down. Like I said, they may be a nice person they probably are but when it comes to their lack of boundaries and lack of self-care, they're a scared person and they haven't stepped up to figure out what that's all about and they haven't taken the steps to be more responsible for themselves and take better care of themselves. It's easier to keep the sabotaging behavior going on if they keep saying they're nice, and that spin makes it easier not to take a closer look at how they're not caring for themselves.

Speaker 1:

As far as perfectionism, some might look at it as an attribute at first or a reflection of high standards. If they're not careful, saying you're perfectionist sounds good on the surface, like a person really takes pride in what they do, but it often sets the stage for someone to either drive themselves too hard or avoid challenges that they think they won't be good at. Getting out of this trap of perfectionism takes some time to explore where the standards came from. Who set the bar? You, family, peers, culture or whoever? That requires taking a close look at why you're so afraid of failing and how you can lean into accepting both success and failure and reframe failure as an ingredient to learning and growing. That's the way out.

Speaker 1:

Often forms of active self-sabotage take some serious hard work to undo and people might go to therapy or something like that to get free from those things like substance abuse, consistent negative self-talk, reckless spending habits, having tough times, setting boundaries, perfectionism and other types of self-sabotage. Those things are hard to just turn off just because you know that they're not serving you. But the passive forms of self-sabotage, which I think are the forms that are the most pervasive for the majority of us. Often it takes just recognizing it and then disciplining ourselves away and out of it. Like I said, passive self-sabotage, generally speaking, is more about what we're avoiding by not doing things or not taking responsibility, but for a lot of people, they may not be so aware of it. Before you can change anything, you got to know what it is you're wanting to change. Remember I said earlier that self-sabotage involves a temporary reward or a payoff. This is where it hooks us.

Speaker 1:

I think one of the biggest ways that people self-sabotage is through the relationship they have with their phones and devices. How many times a day do you think you check your social media page, watch a YouTube video, scroll some headlines or check out one of your favorite apps? How many times will you be in the middle of something and stop to quickly check your phone or some other device? Not only do you lose time more time than you probably know but you engage in a lot of what's called cognitive switching, which is when the brain has to shift its focus and resources from one task to another, and repeated cognitive switching reduces productivity and focus, and it also increases mental fatigue. The reward is that you feel a little bit of pleasure by getting away from whatever the task was or is that might be hard or requires your focus, but the sabotage is that you pulled yourself away from what you want or what you need to get done. You disrupted your focus, lost some time and interrupted your brain's momentum. If you did this a few times a day, no big deal, but the latest research shows that the average person spends more than three hours a day on their phone, and those three hours a day don't include talking.

Speaker 1:

So I don't think the question for any of us is whether we avoid passively sabotaging ourselves, but instead how often and in what form. Some good questions to ask yourself is what kind of things do you tend to want to get away from and what are you choosing as the distraction that becomes the momentary payoff? Because all those distractions that give us a tiny bit of pleasure in the moment when we're wanting to get away from something that's hard, they add up to a bigger difficulty or loss down the road. And are you wanting to get away from the task just because it's hard and it requires a lot of mental effort, or are you wanting to get away from some emotion connected to it because you worry what you're doing isn't going to be good enough or think you can't finish it or something like that. All those little distractions feel harmless in the moment.

Speaker 1:

But here's a sobering thought Even if you spend an hour and 20 minutes a day on social media or online in some capacity that isn't work-related, in one month you'll have spent 40 hours doing that, an entire work week. So the question becomes is that what you want to do with those 40 hours that you'll never get back? And what did you give up during those 40 hours? I'm not saying that social media, youtube and going online is bad not at all but if you're not disciplined, if you're not aware and you're not intentional with it, it's going to harm you. It's going to take something from you or, better put, you're going to take something from yourself by using your time in that manner.

Speaker 1:

And if your phone or device isn't what distracts you or pulls you away from the direction you want to move, what is it for you that does distract you? What's important to look at are patterns, not occasions, but patterns of behaviors that have become habits and where your own choices are getting in the way of you getting what you want and being who you want to be. So I encourage you to step back and take a 30,000 foot view of how you're regularly spending your time each day. Look at those patterns. Ask yourself what you want in life, what your goals are, where you're trying to get and who you want to be. Then ask yourself whether those patterns are helping you or if there's something you can do to better use your time. Ask yourself if your habits line up with your values and if how you see yourself going through your day and if how you're using your time would be how you'd want other people to see you using it.

Speaker 1:

If not and I think we can all say that to some degree or another then take a look at what kinds of things you're trying to get away from, because all those distractions and choices are a temporary relief in the moment, and maybe it's as simple as getting out of a bad habit. But whatever it is, you're trying to get away from something. What is it you're wanting to get away from? Try and figure out what you're avoiding and then you can practice staying with it, leaning into it, tolerating it more, because, remember, the sabotage is serving some sort of purpose. It's just not a good purpose. There's some feeling there, and feelings can mislead us. We'll so often give in to the uncomfortable feeling by doing something different just to get a little relief right then.

Speaker 1:

And there being patterns give us a little momentary pleasure, but take away a lot more than they give over the course of time, because they add up and if you can figure out what it is you're trying to get away from, then you can start taking steps to tolerate the discomfort and get used to it and be more productive and work towards who you want to be and getting what you want. Chances are you just got to discipline yourself more to endure sustained focus, tolerate short term difficulty and practice endurance. Learn to cope with mental states that feel a little uncomfortable and set yourself up for bigger rewards and payoffs down the road as you grow into and work into your potential. And definitely make room for rest, social media fun and play, but don't let those things work against what you want in life. Make them work for you and not the other way around. So whatever patterns you have that are sabotaging your future self, I hope you start addressing them.

Speaker 1:

You might be able to up your game by simply changing what's become a habit. Or maybe there's some feelings you need to learn to tolerate a little bit more. Or maybe there's some core beliefs about yourself or patterns of behavior that lead to more damaging, active forms of self-sabotage, such as addiction. Regardless, find some kind of system to work better, based on how you self-sabotage. Have a plan, be proactive and be intentional. Taking small steps to change your behaviors and mindset is fine. Just take steps towards reducing how much you self-sabotage and keep taking those steps, because in the end, we're not responsible for where we started, but we are for where we end up. Don't let your behaviors rob you. Don't rob yourself. You're way too valuable for that. You got this.

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Sylvia Flanagan

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